Planets are dangerous: two miles down you burn, two miles up you freeze.
-Sir Terry Pratchett in "New Scientist"
Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
-Martin Luther King Jr.
Some mornings it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
- Chili Davis
Have you ever noticed that the astronomers and mathematicians are much the most cheerful people of the lot? I suppose that perpetually contemplating things on so vast a scale makes them feel either that it doesn't matter a hoot anyway, or that anything so large and elaborate must have some sense in it somewhere.
- Dorothy L. Sayers
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Thomasina: "It is plain that there are some things a girl is allowed to understand, and these include the whole of algebra, but there are others, such as embracing a side of beef, that must be kept from her until she is old enough to have a carcass of her own."
- Tom Stoppard, _Arcadia_
We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams...
-Arthur O'Shaughnessy, "Ode"
Well I've wrestled with reality for thirty- five years, doctor, and I'm happy to say that I finally won out over it.
- Elwood P. Dowd
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.
-Schopenhauer
"She had a figure like Venus: a sphere surrounded by noxious gases." -Steve Coltrin in r.a.s.w.
The first and great commandment is: Don't let them scare you
-Elmer Davis
I am an idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.
-Carl Sandburg
"Meum est propositum in taberna mori, ut sint vina proxima morientis ori. Tunc cantabunt letius angelorum chori:'Sit Deus propitious huic potatori'"
-Firewater, "Ponzi Scheme"
"'Scuse us, folks. Looks like someone's spiked our liquor with alcohol."
-Louis Armstrong
It doesn't matter who you are, or what you've done, or think you can do. There's a confrontation with destiny awaiting you. Somewhere, there is a chile you cannot eat."
- Daniel Pinkwater, "A Hot Time in Nairobi"
Rumours are an excellent way to keep your employees nervous and edgy, which is similar to being alert.
- Scott Adams
"With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?"
-John Astin
"I don't know what the world may need, but a V8 engine's a good start for me"
'Teen Angst', Cracker
"Don't take life so seriously, son. It ain't nohow permanent"
Porky Pine aka Walt Kelly
"You are all recumbent waterfowl of the genus Scipidae"
T. Pratchett, _The Dark Side of the Sun_
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
Voltaire
"Sometimes it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness." TP
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.
"The Old Astronomer to His Pupil" Sarah Williams
From the 1/26/96 editorial page of the Manchester Union Leader, with credits to the Western Journalism Center:
In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New Mexico's legal system:
The amendment said: ``When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competentcy hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.
``Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant's competentcy, the baliff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong.''
The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14. Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation.
[Note - reprinted by permission of the Manchester Union Leader and the Western Journalism Center. My thanks to them and to Dave Bakken for obtaining permission - ed]
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
When Elvis Presley died in 1977, there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. Today there are 48,000. If the current trend continues, by the year 2010, one of every three people in the world will be an Elvis impersonator. Should we be worried?
Although it has the name wrong, _Vampires, Werewolves, and Ghouls_, by B. J. Hurwood, gives an entertaining account of Packer. One can only hope that _Alferd Packer: The Musical_ retains the lines that the locals of the era *said* the judge spoke at the sentencing (and if only reality had been so entertaining as this): "Stand up, ye voracious, man-eating son of a bitch, stand up! There was seven Democrats in Hinsdale County, and ye eat five of 'em, God damn ye! I sentence ye t'be hanged by the neck until ye're dead, dead, DEAD, as a warnin' agin reducin' the Democratic population of th' state!"
And a quote from Twain: "Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion."
"Are you a physicist?"
"Me? I don't know anything about science!"
"Marvellous! Ideal qualification!"
-- (Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead)
As a local (well, Sydneysider) political candidate was heard to say during his campaign to not be elected, the only thing wrong with anal sex is that it hurts like buggery.
quote from a.f.p. by John Wilkins
"Why do the French keep testing the damn things? Surely they know what happens by now. You press a button, the bomb goes boom and two years later fifty million people in the south Pacific are pissing strontium!"
- Andrew Denton
Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)
From: Christopher Murphy
Newsgroup: talk.bizarre
> I always mix up "De gustibus non disputandem est" and "De mortuis nil
> nisi bonum".
>
You could also combine them and say, "De gustante mortuorum non disputandum est" (Tasting the dead ought not be disputed).
"Astronomers are divided into two species. The first is purely nocturnal and spends its waking hours taking photos of objects so far away that they probably don't exist any more. They're not interested in the solar system, which they consider a very odd and almost inexcusable accident. During the daytime they may be found sleeping under large stones and in warm, dry places."
"Members of the second species work more normal hours and inhabit offices full of calculating machines and lady computers. This hinders them a lot; nevertheless they manage to produce reams of mathematics about the-- probably non-existent-- objects photographed by their colleagues, with whom they communicate through little notes left with the night-watchman."
---Arthur C. Clarke, _Prelude to Space_
Newsgroup: alt.fan.pratchett
From: Emmet O'Brien
Re: *I* Reflected Sound of Underground Spirits
>Remington Stone wrote:
>: If all the world's economists were laid end to end, they still wouldn't
>: reach a conclusion.
Going by the economists I know, if any of them were laid at all, it would be a bloody miracle.
Emmet
The lights are on, there's nobody home, and there's a stoned walrus in the garage.
Born of the sun they travelled a short while towards the sun,
And left the vivid air signed with their honour.
I think continually of those who were truly great (1933)
Stephen Spender, English poet
did anyone ever notice that "strap-on" is "no parts" backwards?
Der Herr Buergermeister gibt bekannt, dass ab Donnerstag Bier gebraut wird und deshalb ab Mittwoch nicht mehr in den Bach geschissen werden darf.
The Mayor wishes to advise that from Thursday onwards beer will be brewed. For this reason, from Wednesday onwards shitting in the creek will no longer be permitted.
from the New Yorker
Review of "Twister" describing the F5 tornado
"This is the technical term for a tornado so intense it would rip the wig off Burt Reynolds"
If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.
-Ray Bradbury
...no one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away.
Terry Pratchett
"Sister Mary Agnes coughed, spit a gobbet of blood, and tossed the severed goat's udder over the rim of the canyon."
A winning entry in the Bulwer-Lytton contest
The USENET is strapped to a rocket sled screaming toward oneness with flagrant commercial interests disguised as humanitarianism. Let us all bend and suck the rancid milk of human kindness from the withered teats of the snake oil saleswomen.
-- stevep@wrq.com, someplace in Usenet
[Submitter's note: For those unfamiliar with the more eccentric areas of British life, every summer solstice a group of self proclaimed "druids", complete with flowing robes and ramshorn trumpets, attempt to hold a religious ceremony at Stonehenge, hence point (1) below. The event is usually complicated by the local police trying to stop them.]
Subject: Re: Oldest active computer?
From: crd@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Chris R Dalton)
Newsgroups: comp.misc,comp.arch
Stonehenge is a couple of weeks away from being cranked up for this year's run. If anyone doubts it's a computer, consider that (1) its sysadmins dress and behave quite strangely, (2) it has no useful manuals, and (3) you wouldn't believe what the marketing video says it can do...
Meddle not in the affairs of bards, for your name scans to _Eddystone Light_.
Leslie Fish
"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce."
-- J EDGAR HOOVER
"Hope is the first and fundamental human strength"
Erik H. Erikson
Don't ever become a pessimist, Ira; a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun--and neither can stop the march of events.
Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
From: mlegare@pacbell.net
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: wiffle bat of enlightenment
The Macarena -
The Wiffle Bat of Enlightenment defines the Macarena as the "Find Your Butt With Both Hands" dance
BoB teCh
just passing through
From cole@_____
Subject: Things I might say during my thesis proposal
"And did you know that `stellar evolution' is an anagram for `oriental love slut'?"
----
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind- boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
-- Gene "spaf" Spafford (1992)
"I think of [Usenet] as a party held in a very, very large house. In one room people are drinking espresso and discussing translations of Rilke, while in another they're sucking nitrous out of a garbage bag and setting fire to a couch."
-- Tom Fawcett
'alt.fan.pratchett has all the attention span of a butterfly on cocaine.'
'I don't know what to make of alt.fan.pratchett. Risotto would be nice'
Terry Pratchett writing about afp
COMPELLING EXPLANATIONS
* One of the members of the Mug House players pub darts team in Worcester, England, commenting in February on his team's 50- match losing streak: "I think we all drink too much [during the matches]. One regular feature [of our games] is to miss the board completely."
From: fenris@lightspeed.net (Michael Driscoll)
Subject: Achtung!
Newsgroup: rec.humor.funny (moderated)
A new sign for our times:
ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclicken und giffengrabben. Ist easy droppenpacket der routers und overloaden der backbone mit der spammen unt der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das musclicken sichtseeren keepen das bandwit-spewin hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken.
[Note - updated version of an older joke - ed.]
>
>I was wondering if some kind soul could provide me with the exact text
>of the line(s) in Hogfather referring to the falling angel meeting the
>rising ape. They were beautiful.
pg. 270 of the h/cvr. Spoken by Death:
HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
"Praise not the beer, till it is drunk." Viking proverb
From: gonz@drunkenbastards.org (Gonz)
Subject: Re: Thanks to Xena...
Newsgroup: alt.tv.xena
"Plain and Simple Cronan"
>Thanks to Xena, young girls everywhere know its perfectly normal to be a
>do-gooding ex-psychotic mass-murdering conquerer who carries a large sword,
>a deadly frisbee and a whip while being followed by a sometimes whiny love
>slave...
Yeah, like that's a bad thing. B-)
Rob
Subject: Walk on the Wilde Side
From: rcpj@panix.com (Pierre Jelenc)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.fandom
"A jaywalking pedestrian was killed in Brooklyn early yesterday after being struck by a motorcycle [...] Dorian Grey, 39, was walking across Rockaway Parkway at Skidmore Lane at 1:10 a.m. when he was struck [...]"
New York Daily News 6/29
There is no picture with the article.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.
Blair Houghton
Subject: Re: Underrated Vegetables (was Re: Overrated SF/Fantasy)
From: erkyrath@netcom.com (Andrew Plotkin)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written
Julie Stampnitzky (jstampni@ymail.yu.edu) wrote:
> > I like mangoes (mangos?) but I don't like you have to throw away
> > three-fourths of the fruit.
> Ever tried a pomegranate?
Yeah, and now I have to sit in this basement and write credit-card
software for eight hours of every day.
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
-- A. Whitney Brown
"Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that Dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."
G K Chesterson
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Omniscient Oracle, who knows all things without uncertainty,
>
> What is the current position and momentum of Professor Heisenberg?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Currently the said gentleman is playing dice with God.
Newsgroup:rec.humor.funny
From: larrym@imsi.com (Larry Martell)
Actual listing in the TV section of the Marin (CA) Independent-Journal:
Movie "The Wizard of Oz": Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
Bill explains, "I think most people have similarly ambivalent feelings about academics and masturbating. Both are regarded as self-indulgent and useless, set in opposition to the 'real' world of sex or business."
from Salon magazine, article on grad study and masturbation
From alt.sysadmin.recovery
The difference between math and physics is the difference between masturbation and sex.
-- Paul Tomblin
They're both messy, but physics can get you in much more trouble.
-- Malcom Ray
Quote from H.L. Mencken:
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go!
-- e e cummings
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Subject: [alt.tasteless.jokes] Re: JFK Funeral
From: bd
Poncho wrote:
>
> What the hell is wrong with you people?
Well, let's see: I don't have enough money, my morals are in the toilet, I'm antisocial, I have a compulsive tendency to say wholly inappropriate and offensive things in delicate social situations, I can't seem to stop downloading pictures of bestiality and little girls from the Internet, I'm not in very good physical condition, my spinal curvature is slightly off, I stay on the computer too much, I'm lazy, I drink to excess, I'm not very good at playing pool, I have a bad habit of telling people what I think of them, I don't follow rules well, I occasionally vote Libertarian, I don't respect my elders, I have contempt for the poor, I don't wear sunscreen, I don't like Mexican food, I go right to sleep after sex without bothering to "cuddle," I'm selfish and egotistical, I don't give enough to charity, I have difficulty casting a flyrod, I drive too fast, I don't take care of my teeth, I'd kill a whale to go on a "Nantucket sleigh ride" just to see what it was like, I'm a bad loser, I don't drink enough milk, I hate dogs, I pick my nose when nobody's looking, I couldn't identify Eritrea on a map, I'm allergic to antiperspirant, I can only play one song on the mandolin, I can't keep my desk neat at work, I con my girlfriend into doing my laundry whenever possible, I sound like Bob Dylan when I sing, I'm not good at time management, I shirk responsibility, I'm scatterbrained and forgetful, I'm bad at darts, I can't ride a bicycle, marijuana just makes me fall asleep, I never learned to play poker, I don't respect authority, I have a bad habit of going home with fat girls if I drink too much, I'm afraid of heights, I'm a really bad dancer, and this morning I seem to have a bit of a sore throat.
What's wrong with you?
From: Internet Oracle
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Last night I baked some cod. It said it would take 15 mins at Gas Mark
> 4. It actually took in excess 1 hour and still wasn't completely cooked.
> Why?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You had the piece of cod that passeth all understanding.
"A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." Lao Tzu
'She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils'.
--Flash, Black Adder II
"A smile, two bangs, and a religion"
--Monty Python
"...the room was currently occupied only by Adrian 'Nozzer' Miller, who'd wanted to be an astronomer because he thought it was all to do with staying up late looking through telescopes, and hadn't bargained on it being basically about adding columns of figures in a little shed in the middle of a windy field.
The figures the telescope was producing were all that was left of an exploding star twenty million years ago. A billion small rubbery things on two planets who had been getting on with life in a quiet sort of way had been totally destroyed, but they were certainly helping Adrian get his Ph.D. and, who knows, they might have thought it all worthwhile if anyone had asked them."
_Johnny and The Dead_, Terry Pratchett